I think I used to be a better writer.
I spent the better portion of my day yesterday going through an old blog and all its posts. I did this with great trepidation, expecting to be a little embarrassed, but mostly because I was truly nervous to revisit those days and the painful feelings that filled them up.
I was surprised to find how many posts I actually wrote and how many of them were quite positive. I was surprised at how much time has passed since then (2008 to early 2010) and how many things have both changed and stayed the same. But what really surprised me is how much I enjoyed reading what I wrote. I’m not sure if it’s because I was reading things that I had experienced and it was an interesting experiment to go back, or because the writing was actually pretty good. It’s probably both.
I think what made it compelling for me was how raw and honest and real everything I said was. I wasn’t putting up any airs. I wasn’t trying to be anything I wasn’t. I wrote about the bad AND the good with equal emotion. It seemed like I was feeling more. Or at least I wasn’t afraid to tell everyone what I was feeling, no matter what it was.
It was cathartic to go back. I cried a lot reading the thoughts of my formerly scared and sad self.
I was fresh out of college and had just finished four years of professionally writing papers (or so it felt) so my writing skills were a bit more honed. I’m going to try and be better at that in this new blog.
I think the biggest thing I took away from re-reading those posts was how not real I have been in this new blog so far. I’ve been honest, sure. I just haven’t really posted anything with any passion yet. I’ve been intentionally very self restrained. I quit writing that blog because I thought it represented a part in my life I wasn’t proud of. I had just moved to Denver, I was immeasurably sad and felt very very alone. I moved on from those feelings and left them behind me along with the writing of the blog.
I wanted this new blog to be a fresh start, maybe a gateway to a photography business, and definitely less of a diary. What I didn’t want it to be was a bunch of fluff. I am bounds happier now so clearly that will be reflected in the snippets of my life I put on here, but I have posted a fair amount of fluff. I realize it’s early on, and I do want this blog to fit more in the ‘lifestyle’ genre, but I’m going to try and be less self-conscious about what I write from now on. Lucky you : )
I’m also going to include some posts from that old blog, here and there. You have to look back sometimes to see how far you’ve come in certain areas and stayed stuck in others. But don’t worry, there will still be plenty of good old fashioned guilty pleasure fluff.