Beware the Ninja

Fair warning.

I am going to use the word period in this post and I do NOT mean the kind at the end of a sentence.

Did all the boys leave the room screaming?  Alright then let’s begin.

Jon and I have very different thoughts on parenthood.

He thinks about it like all of a sudden we will have a well mannered blonde haired blue eyed athletic four year old boy living with us and his three identical brothers.

I think about it like all of a sudden our lives will be irreversibly changed in every single way imaginable.

You see the differences.

For him I think it’s still an abstract thought that he gets to sort of day dream about and convince himself that it’s going to be all awesome all the time.

For me it’s a very real part of our future that excites and yet still scares the crap out of me.

Why?

Because I don’t live in a flipping fantasy land!!!

Remember in this post when I said we weren’t really thinking about babies yet?

Well it turns out that’s not entirely true because I spent an entire day thinking about absolutely nothing else.  It was last Monday.  Memorial day.  And boy was it memorable.

At some point that morning, I absolutely convinced myself that I was pregnant.

One hundred percent convinced.

It might have had something to do with the fact that earlier in the weekend my Mom dropped a ninja (like this) in my brain.  She expressed to me that the thought had crossed her mind that maybe the reason Jon and I came home for such a quick unusually timed weekend was to announce we were having a baby.  I laughed at her, took a big gulp of my beer, and walked away.

Well like a true ninja comment, it surprised attacked me two mornings later.  We were sitting at Zorbaz having lunch and while everyone else is discussing how delicious yet similar the entire menu at Zorbaz is, my mind was doing this:

Holy shit I’m totally pregnant.

I’m sorry what?

I’ve read that your boobs get swollen and oh my GOD MINE ARE I’M PREGNANT!

Calm down.  Could you possibly be getting your period?

Are you insane?  NO!  What kind of question is that?  I’m also really fatigued so what am I going to do I’M PREGNANT!!!!

I’m not sure you’ve thought this through.

Awwww Crap!  I really like making out with my husband and now I’ll never be able to again BECAUSE I’M PREGNANT!

I think people still do that after they have a baby.

Really?  Are you sure they’re not just kissing the father of their child from then on out?

I think that’s the same thing.

Oh My God.  I just told like 100 people last week that I was in NO WAY ready to have kids.

100?

Does it matter how many?!!!?!??  I said I wasn’t ready and I’m not and now I’m pregnant WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL EVERYONE!!!!?????

Nothing because you have no idea what you’re talking about.

My mom told me that her legs hurt when she was pregnant and mine sort of itch right now!

Ali, relax.  It’s because you have a mosquito bite on your leg.

NO IT’S NOT OH MY GOD I’M SO PREGNANT!

Sigh.

I’ve also read that you have a heightened sense of smell and everything smells like a bonfire right now!!!!!!

That’s because you’re wearing the jeans you wore at the fire last night.  Take a deep breath.

CAN’T BE!  I’M FOR SURE PREGNANT!!

This went on until I stood up, meal hardly touched, and disappeared into the bathroom to examine myself in the stall for signs that I was pregnant.

There were several.  At least in my mind.

I slapped on my best calm face (I’m pretty sure they all just thought I was being a bitch) and tried to form normal sentences for the rest of lunch.  Although in retrospect  I’m not sure I spoke to anyone for the next 12 hours.

Following our lovely lunch I THEN had to get in a car with Jon and both my inlaws for a 4 hour drive back to Minneapolis.

Jesus.

I tried watching a movie.

I tried playing angry birds.

I tried sleeping (yeah right).

I did pretty much everything I could to avoid grabbing my phone and googling “side effects of beer pong on an unborn child”.

I know it seems like I’m making light of this, but I was honestly freaking out.  All I could think of was getting to a Walgreens to buy 1 single pregnancy test because that would be all I would need because I am FOR SURE pregnant.

Well.  Following the car ride I was greeted with a 2 hour flight back to Denver and a little time to calm down and gain some perspective.  I’m 27.  It’s not the end of the world.  I’m married.  He loves me.  We want kids.  It’s fine.

Once in bed I finally told Jon what was on my mind for fear my head would explode otherwise.  I said “Honey, one of two things is going to happen tomorrow.  I’m either going to get my period or I’m going to plan a funeral for our amazing and wonderfully selfish current way of life.”

He responded with “Honey, whichever happens it’s going to be fine”.

Ignorant fool.

The next morning I had my alarm set for 7:00 a.m. with a reminder attached saying “Walgreens for pregnancy test”.  I’m not lying.  As if I might POSSIBLY forget.

Well I never made it to Walgreens because I got my period that morning.

OH THANK THE GODS I’M NOT PREGNANT!

Told you.

Shut up.

The point of this story isn’t to paint myself as a baby nazi.  I want kids.  I understand that life changes when that happens, but mostly for the better.  I think we’ll be great parents once I get some meds for my CLEAR case of anxiety.

My point is, when I got my period I was relieved, but I was also the tiniest bit disappointed.  I had sort of started to wrap my head around it.

So I guess I can’t say I’m not thinking about it at all.  I most definitely have to stop slapping people in the face when they ask if we’ve thought about having kids.  Or maybe keep slapping them but stop instantly responding with ‘oh my god no are you crazy no way in hell not for five years at least no way’.

I’m certainly not thinking about it all the time, but it’s there…being ‘ready’ for a baby.  Safely in the back of my mind – sort of like a ninja – just waiting to surprise me at ANY moment.

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12 thoughts on “Beware the Ninja

  1. Mom

    Best blog to date!! A good writer is able to put into words what many experience but can not put into words themselves. You did that! Thank you for the laughter and… the anxiety.

    Reply
    1. Ali Post author

      Really? I was sooooo nervous posting it this morning. I’ve had it sitting in the queue all weekend. It’s all true so I hope people liked it!

      Reply
  2. Marissa

    I really love this, Ali. I agree with your mom– this totally reminds me of myself at 27, before the babies :) Thanks for the laughs!

    Reply
    1. Ali Post author

      Thanks Marissa – we’ll have to see if I’m as brave to put it all out there once the period doesn’t come and I actually buy that test! I hope so.

      Reply
  3. Jenny

    I don’t have kids so I’m not an expert, but I kind of think that this is similar to what EVERY mom experiences the first time she gets pregnant (or just thinks she might be). It’s a pretty big deal – I’m with you!

    Reply
  4. Vanessa Brooke

    I laughed so hard reading this post! Then I tried my best to recite it to andrew, and got annoyed with myself that I couldn’t make it sound as funny and yelled at him to read it!

    Reply

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